A Newsom Memoir

California Governor to Write One

Thanks again to the California Globe for running this clearly satirical piece. You can visit the website at: https://californiaglobe.com/

Gavin Newsom is reportedly writing a memoir. Since Stephen Colbert, of all people, said his last book “Citizenville” needed “a bullshit translator,” I thought I’d save teh governor some time and offer him this draft.

I was born a black child until I realized there were more votes in being born a poor Hispanic child.

Growing up with a learning disability (besides my dyslexia,) I learned quickly to rely on the people around me to help me through the day.  And I helped them in return – as my sheened locks brought all the girls to the yard, I could well afford to let my friends cut one from the herd if they so chose.

Friends – that’s what life is all about.  Community – that’s what California is about.  A village – that’s what raising children is all about, especially if that village is very rich and very well connected as it was in my case.

My life was by no means easy growing up.  Many looked at me as just another handsome popular athlete without realizing that what I deeply wanted inside was to be a handsome popular wealthy athlete.

I wanted to be taken seriously, or at least be rich enough so people would appear to take me seriously.

Because that’s another thing life’s all about – appearances.  If I have learned anything during my rise from coddled young adult to coddled governor of the fifth largest economy in the world to President of the United States it’s that how one looks, how one presents themself to the public is the key to being taken seriously, or at least appear to be taken seriously.

Email from editor – Hey Gavin, do you want to scratch that president line?  The book is coming out next year.

Gavin’s reply – No, leave it in.  I just got a phone call.

San Francisco has been my home forever, a home I love, and a home that as a mayor I helped usher into its new glorious stage of its existence.  I promised to end homelessness and I promised to balance the budget and I promised to make the streets safe and I promised to attract high tech jobs and every one of those promises came true, more or less. Prove me wrong.

I did – briefly – make it legal for gay people to get married in the city.  I’m proud I started so many marriages – admittedly, I ended a few, too, but you have to take the good with the bad and some of the girls were very good indeed.

Being a small businessman has taught me the importance of hard work and dedication to a goal.  My PlumpJack – I’m still surprised nobody seems to get how dirty that joke is – companies took plenty of both.  Just because I had private outside backing and had other people run the wineries and restaurants and such and never really had to worry about the bottom line does not mean there were not moments when things got a bit tough like during the pandemic when I had to let a whole bunch of other competing businesses stay open to keep mine open.  Appearances, you know.

I look at the pandemic as my shining moment.  We kept people safe and we did not give into the red state red meat red assed redneck whining about things like church and school and freedom and side-effects.

We knew better, we know better, and we will do it all over again to protect Californians from each other and themselves.  The nay-sayers are out in force now, claiming the pandemic response that obliterated years of learning, that the vaccines were pointless and dangerous, that the re-structured economy is not conducive to small businesses, and that the public’s trust in their institutions has been destroyed and all for a nasty flu that was 99.6% survivable.

But my singular focus prevented all of those problems from occurring in California, unlike Florida where they literally had to feed all the dead people to the alligators to cover up the problem.

I promise to bring that laser – some would say blinkered, some would say blind, but I would say laser -  focus to the presidency that has been thrust upon me.

Editor’s email – Really, I’m not sure we can go there.

Gavin’s response – Trust me – it’s all set.

But it is California I truly love and as I lead the free world into a bright future of automatic prosperity, limited responsibility, a respect for appropriate rights, and public agreement on everything I will never forget the Gelded State, a state I helped geld.