About Last Week...

Alternate Easter

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Happy Easter, even though I have an odd relationship with the holiday.

When I was younger, I drew an Easter picture as part of CCD class (for those non-Catholics, CCD is like Sunday school on Saturday or various extra classes other religions make children take when they would rather be home watching cartoons or football or doing pretty much anything else) that featured a sun, a ground line, and half a person coming up from the ground line smiling and saying “Hi There!”

The picture raised certain concerns amongst the adults in my life about my psychiatric state.

I also once got an entire white chocolate bunny in my basket – not even a hollow one – and proceeded to eat it very very quickly and then, um, un-eat it almost as fast. To this day, even the smell of white chocolate makes me nauseous.

So forgive me if I tell a rather sacrilegious joke about where the idea of guests becoming terribly tiresome after three days – and taking a look at Easter through a more typical Father/Son relationship.

It’s Friday and the crucifixion has done its job and Jesus is back up in heaven with Dad.

Dad says “Hey, you did a great job down there – sorry about the ending bit, but, you know, Romans, whatta ya gonna do, amirite?”

Feeling much better since his ascension, Jesus decides to have a bunch of angels over to celebrate his return – a party, as it were, for the very definitely not prodigal son.

Saturday morning finds a rather worse for wear Jesus (the human part was rather hungover) on the living room couch - surrounded by overflowing ashtrays and half-empty pizza boxes – quietly turning water into beer (and rather shortly thereafter back into water again.)

Dad is understanding so he just stays VERY quiet - ixnay on the hunderstormstay for the rest of the iday.

But that night, Jesus is back at it again, inviting literally everyone in heaven over for a rager for the ages.

It gets wild – think Coachella times Burning Man times Animal House times Woodstock. And Dad’s cherried-out 1963 Dodge Charger has ended up totaled in a thundercloud, His Pliny the Elder beer He hid in the back of the fridge was discovered and was drank, and His pet unicorn’s horn has been tie-dyed rainbow.

Enough is enough.

So Sunday morning a very pained Jesus is back on the couch, turning water into beer again, when an exasperated Dad walks in and says: “Hey, I get the last couple of days – I was a kid once.”

“No, You weren’t,” says Jesus. “You’ve always Been and shall always Be.”

“Admittedly so, but just trying to connect to you. But come to think of it, I don’t think you’re quuuiiite done on Earth. So here’s a bunch of Advil and off you go back to your apostles – and their plus-ones – so you finish the job. Your hangover will go away, and I’ll have some time to fix up the guestcloud so we don’t get underneath each other’s feet, okay? See you in a few weeks!!”

And the rest is history.

Clearly blaspehmous, but Jesus Christ – sorry everyone else – is the most important person in history, just like the Bible is the most important book in history.

It’s like The Beatles and popular music – no matter if you like them or not they are- and shall remain - the most important thing in pop music ever because they essentially wrote the base DNA code.

No matter how much you disagree, there’s will never be a time that one can “get around” Jesus Christ, the Bible, or The Beatles.

It just is, so deal with it.

So – does the three-day rule originate from Easter?

No, of course not. That’s a really stupid joke, but it has one definite and one other possible origin:

First, everyone who has ever hosted a house guest hits the “I wish you would leave!!” after about three days. A ridiculously expensive dinner, doing the dishes, tutoring the idiot nephew in history – all could mean an extra day or two.

Second, when a person traveled from monastery to monastery on a medieval European pilgrimage, the stay limit was three days…unless you had LOTS OF MONEY or the weather was so bad it would actually kill you if you left.

By the way, if you found anything today silly and offensive, I’m sorry…ish.

Being able to laugh at your own beliefs (good Lord does the Catholic church make it easy – hey-ooo!) is the sign of someone with an actual brain, unlike those who profess belief in (the now waning, maybe, hopefully?) religion of woke or other go-along zombies.

So I’ve left the comments open to accept a torrent of torrid of abuse but still have a great Easter!

And this week’s epigram is a meme – first time, maybe…no, probably not- that is truly hysterical:

Thanks for subscribing!!!

And of course, a little fun from Archer and it’s take on Easter:

And you thought I was bad…