About Last Week...

Droning On and On and On...

So it seems people started noticing things that were not clouds of Axe body spray hovering above New Jersey last week.

They were concerned and decided to ask officials about the situation.

That has not gone so well.

Actually, it’s gone something like this:

“So what are those clearly mechanical brightly lit things wandering about the sky above us?”

“Tro, ba snamzle for bothanuaght ga snuh.”

When the public asked again and this time for a more definitive answer, the reply was thus:

“Look, we already told you – why do you keep asking?!?”

Exactly what they are, why they are there, and by whom they are being operated is at this point in time unknown.

Sure, okay, I’ll buy that.

But, for argument’s sake, let’s say they are not controlled by the United States government and part of a massive test of a public surveillance system – where does that leave us?

Aliens? That would be fun but they typically show up in more isolated regions to give the guy at the end of the roadhouse bar something to talk about for the rest of his life.

But it could be that broadcasts of “Jersey Shore” finally reached their home planet and they have taken it upon themselves to engage in a “Great De-Guidofication” project, assuming that will make them more welcome to other earthlings if and when they decide to show themselves.

To prove I’m not being thaaaat bigoted, here’s a reminder:

If you happen to be in a dronified area, there might be something you can do to test any number of theories. In fact, this might be something you could do to put the cat amongst the pigeons but if you do it you take full responsibility and have no idea where you got the idea.

During my youth, I and some friends would, when the mood took us, launch our own balloons. They were called Optimus balloons, cost less than $12, and could go rather high, so high in fact that on at least one of the many many “UFOs are real!” TV shows, footage of an Optimus (not taken by us) was shown as proof that we are not alone.

So this is how you make…WARNING: FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND EVERYTHING’S ON YOU…an Optimus.

Step one, you must procure a proper garbage bag – not a home one, not a yard one, but the really really flimsy really really big clear-ish/opaque-ish incredibly thin and light cheapy cheaps they use at places like elementary schools. I cannot stress enough that weight is a factor in this process.

Step two, you must procure 24 birthday cake candles, four plastic straws (not the little cocktail straws but actual malt shop straws - except not the bendy kind) and some scotch tape.

Step three, you fashion the straws into a plus sign - + . You then take the candles and lightly tape them - all standing upright and pointing the same direction - to the cross. You have now created the fuselage.

Step four, tape – again, using as little tape as possible – the fuselage to the open end of the bag, again with the candles facing up into the bag.

Step five, carefully carry the Optimus outside.

Step six, have two people hold the balloon upright about two feet off the ground while gently tugging a bit on the sides nearest the fuselage to keep the bag away from the candles.

Step seven, a person crawls under the Optimus and carefully lights the candles.

Step eight, the people holding it keep holding it as the balloon expands due to the hot air created by the candles.

Step nine, keep holding on as the balloon fills up and when it actually starts to really expand and tugs upwards noticeably, release the Optimus!

Step ten, step back, crane your head up, and shout : "My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Or not.

The Optimus will float gently into the sky, a glowing yellow/orange rounded rectangle and it will keep going up – surprisingly high - we’re talking a few thousand feet here. Oh, and it will move the way the wind is blowing (when it’s inflated and up in the sky it can handle a very light breath of air.)

After about maybe five or ten minutes, the candles will burn down to the straws and you will see tiny globs of light (the burny/melty plastic) fall from the Optimus. The glow will diminish until the last candle is out and then it’s over.

Very important notes – do not do this near an airport. SERIOUSLY. In fact, try not to be near anything; an open field in the exurbs/country is fine. Also, there can be literally no wind; even the slightest breeze will lead to catastrophe (or at least minor irritation.) Also, it works best on cold nights, the cooler the better due to the increased temperature differential. Also, you have no idea how you came up with this idea completely and totally on your own.

Actually, we never had a fire problem and the falling globules are waaay too high to set anything earthbound ablaze, though one must be very very careful at launch time (hence the no surface wind edict.)

An Optimus will not carry any weight – literally - so you can’t send your GoPro up to take pics, but you may just get a reaction from the drones.

That you can film from the ground.

Speaking of the ground…well, not really, but here’s a holiday hint that will make you the most popular person at your family gathering (unless you happen to “accidentally” repeatedly skewer with a fondue fork your rich uncle just as he is announcing he’s cutting everyone last one of you damn ingrates out of the will – the family will like that more.)

Anyhoo, stop by a cheap grocery store (think Food 4 Less, not Gelson’s) and buy cheap to-go containers and bring them to the function.

Basically, they seem to be about the same kind of container as you get when you buy General Tsao’s Chicken at the grocery store because you’re too lazy to cook.

Here’s an example; cost eight bucks for 30 sets but there are cheaper ones available:

That way no one will have to root around the Tupperware cabinet trying to match tops and bottoms and you know the hosts don’t want people reaching too far back in there because that’s where they hide the good booze, anyway.

This weeks thanks for subscribing epigram – really have to start calling them something else – is this truly brilliant meme I came across earlier today courtesy of El Gato Malo (click on the caption to make it play - sorry):

Not So Goodfellas...