The Classics, Edited for the Sensitive Reader

Why Stop at "The Oompish peoples of the Loompa ethnographic subset..."?

Thanks again to the American Thinker for running this piece. You can visit the website at: https://www.americanthinker.com/

And thanks again to the Heartland Institute for running this piece. You can visit the website at: https://heartland.org/

With the revelation that Roald Dahl’s classic children’s works like “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” have undergone posthumous sensitivity butchering, one can only wonder exactly how the scriptorial Screwtapes will handle other prominent works of art from history.

First, as to Dahl, it is true that, like many a writer, he was a notably unpleasant human to be around.  But to the nine-year-old enthralled by Willie Wonka and the Oompa-Loompas – sorry, the Oompish peoples of the Loompa ethnographic subset –  it has no  - and should have no – bearing.

As publishers around the globe are hiring “sensitivity readers” by the locally-sourced, sustainably harvested wicker basket full, checking in on their progress may be a good idea in order to prepared for what one will find at the local book store – whose kidding? On Amazon – in the coming months.

·         It was the best of times for the 1%, it was the worst of times for the historically oppressed and marginalized workers of France.

·         As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic potential source of protein, thereby contributing to a meatless future.

·         When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: the need to become an anti-racist ally and to constantly check my white privilege.

·         Happy families are all alike; unhappy families are all unhappy in their own way, but both oppress and minimize the suffering of their trans members.

·         It is in no way, shape, or form a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

·         The man who happened to be in black fled across the desert, and the second amendment fanatic followed.

·         It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. (no need to change that)

·         Call me They.

·         The person with a uterus from whose vaginal canal I emerged died today. Or maybe, yesterday; I can't be sure.

·         I am a sick man …  I am a spiteful man … And like all men I oppress and attack and ignore others at all times.

·         Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself, sadly unconcerned that she was extending and supporting a negative gender stereotype.

And it seems the sensitivity readers are not stopping at simply changing existing texts; they are also trying to help the world come to terms with entire problematic works.  For example, this is now the entire script of “Oedipus Rex:” 

Oedipus was sad. 

Oedipus got happy. 

Oedipus got sad again.

Other works a could also be feeling the crreping sense of incipient editing.

“1984” – at least the copies that are not slated for burning - will have an explanatory foreword added to inform the reader of Winston’s delusional state of mind and that, while the methods seem crude to us now in an age of pharmaceuticals, the caring state was only trying to cure his mental illness as best it could.

“Animal Farm” will be been banned outright for its anthropomorphism, though the wonderfully positive “Brave New World” is to be made mandatory reading as a future guidebook for third-graders.

The sensitivity reader concept is also making its way into the world of art with sensitivity viewers being dispatched to museums worldwide.  Their initial ideas include:

·         A demand that the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel be replaced with multiple LED boards constantly looping uplifting secular messages.

·         Mona Lisa could soon have a subtitle plaque – “You go, Girlboss!”

·         The Venus de Milo should be at least contextualized to acknowledge its incipient ableism and body shaming aspects.

·         Guernica could only be shown to people who have undergone rigorous psychological testing to avoid any triggering events.

·         Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” needs to carry a warning about the environmental damage caused by seed oils.

It’s funny because it just might as well be true.