The Curse of VD

Why You Shouldn't Go Out to Dinner Tonight

Note - I try to makes sure not to post items to close together, time-wise, but this is time sensitive and I forgot. Mea culpa.

Ah, Valentine’s Day.  Spend a little more money, care a little bit more, eat a better meal, support the florist-industrial complex, and that’s about it.

I’m such a romantic. 

True story – I once got a girlfriend an end table for Valentine’s Day.  She was not exactly mad but she was deeply confused.  Funnily enough, I saw her a couple years after we broke up – very amicable – and she mentioned she still had and actually liked the table.  Take that, a dozen roses!

But Valentine’s Day now always brings back memories of working in restaurants.

Prior to becoming the nation’s leading analytical polemicist that I currently am, I worked in restaurants - study philosophy of science in school, become bartender – it’s that simple.

I had every job in a restaurant except the hardest two: dishwasher and owner. 

Aside – if, after you have people over for dinner and someone says to you the food “was so good you should open a restaurant, no, seriously, it’s that good, you’d make a fortune!” ignore them. 

Aggressively ignore them.  Consider cutting them out of your life entirely to avoid hearing them ever say that again.  Jam it down into the part of your brain where you keep the memory of being four-years-old and accidentally seeing your grandmother naked – in other words, don’t just suppress it but oppress it.

Because owning a restaurant (and we’re talking a good, medium to high-end, independent restaurant) is very simply this:  Spend (or borrow and banks hate lending to new restaurants, let alone restaurant being opened by inexperienced people – the interest will be usurious – and if you’re rich you will eventually tire of having to write that monthly check to keep it afloat and your spouse happy) most of the money you have saved to buy yourself a grinding 90 hour a week job (and not fun, either – the host of the party is always busy and worried) that has a 50/50 chance of dragging you into bankruptcy court in the first three years.

DO NOT DO IT.

But I digress.

As for tonight, unless you’ve already put down a deposit, think about not going out to dinner.

First, it will be very very crowded, therefore service will be a bit slow and perfunctory.

Second, the wait staff in particular will not be in the best mood because Valentine’s Day draws a different kind of crowd, a crowd that – not to sound terribly elitist but not bothered by it all – that tends not to go out fancy restaurants on a regular basis.

In other words, they do not know how to act properly.  They are loud, pushy, on edge because they feel out of place, have to have things like “marsala” and “cabernet” explained to them, and, after all that, they do not tip well. 

Like a group of secretaries at lunch who split the check six ways not well, or, even worse, a group of secretaries who do not split the check and then bicker about how much is their share not well. Another true story – was waiting on a table and actually heard two women demand that they owed less than the others because they got Diet Coke rather than regular Coke and that must cost less.  Seriously.

Another aside – sorry/not sorry if that secretary bit came off as nasty, but it is simply a fact that women do not tip as well as men.  That’s because women have nothing to prove to each other or the staff, while guys will literally fight over who gets to pay the entire bill (have you ever seen a groups of women do that? If you said yes, you are lying) because it’s less legally problematic than exposing themselves at the table to see who is most well-endowed (and if the waitress is cute, get ready for a royal smackdown over who gets to hand her the credit card and then slyly catch her eye when she notices the monstrous tip and then just maybe then asking her out.)

But I digress…again.

Where were we?

Third, as it is a holiday, the restaurant’s “A Team” will be working – the best kitchen folks, the best waitrons, the people that always work Friday and Saturday, etc. and that’s good.  But they will be a bit frazzled (even if you find a toe in your pasta, do not send it back; what is returned to you will be worse) and, because they know they are the best, they will be tetchy about being overrun by bridge and tunnel vandals and, if you are a regular, you will receive a nice smile and even maybe a “thank God, you’re here” but little more.  This could endanger the relationship – i.e. the tip – going forward which will make the waitron even jumpier, so maybe don’t bother going to your favorite place tonight.

As to that “A Team” concept, a tip:  the best of the restaurant always work Thursday, Friday, Saturday night.  That’s why the best night to go out to eat is Thursday: the best people combined with a slightly smaller crowd will lead to the best dining experience.

And many restaurants get their supplies for the entire weekend Thursday afternoon, so it is more likely the ingredients will be fresher.

If it’s a sushi place, though, that depends upon how busy they are.  While big and busy places get nearly daily deliveries (that goes for regular restaurants as well) the smaller joints tend to get their fish in on Tuesday and Friday, so those are the best days to go.

So my advice for tonight?  Stay home, order in, get drunk, and have sex.

Actually, that’s my advice for every night, so…